Monday, July 11, 2011

The waiting game

I'm so tired of waiting to be told what I already know.
There are so many aspects of my life that this statement pertains to, one of which, my diagnosis of having lupus. I've lived with SLE for a while now, I just didn't know it. Now that I know what it is, all my symptoms have validity. Feeling like a 90 year old trapped in a 24 year old's body...getting exhausted sometimes after performing some of the smallest hair coming out in chunks...the list goes on. I have always attributed these things to being lazy or stressed. I was always embarassed of these things because, let's face it, its not cute. I have always hidden these things from everyone, including those most important to me. I don't want to be seen as "the sick one". I am a walking paradox....I don't look sick. People don't see what's going on inside me. They don't see the physical symptoms other than a light butterfly rash across my face. They don't see that when I am going on about my day, I constantly wonder about how long I will be around for Mya and what my quality of life will be 5 years from now.
I realize that I am blowing things a little out of proportion. I realize that most people with SLE live almost normal lives. I just need my time to blow things out of proportion. I need my time to sort things out for myself.

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