Worry....a simple word that so perfectly describes me ninety-nine percent of the time. A big cloud of worry. I worry about my relationships, about Mya, about Mother, about Ruth, about Husband, about the future, about the past, about the present....about my health.
I was talking to Mother on the phone the other day and she has been insisting that I request more tests to rule out "other possibilities" for my health situation. "Other possibilities" meaning Cancer. The doctor I have been seeing told me she is "pretty sure" it is Lupus, but said that there is no test for a conclusive diagnosis and suggested that I get another opinion. I have an appointment on Monday to see a different doctor.
I have tried to push the C-word out of my mind, telling myself 'It's Lupus. It will be hard but I can manage. I shouldn't worry too much about some of the weird results that the doctor got from my blood tests.' Then I thought 'Well, what are the symptoms of cancer, anyway? Are there generic symptoms or is it individualized into the type? What if you opt out of treatment?', so I did some research. Mistake.
Generic symptoms I found:
Lack of energy - check
Unexplained weight loss - check
Easy bruising - check
Lowered immune system - check
Slow healing wounds - check
Constant stuffy nose - check
Headaches - check
Aching bones/joints - check
It's a scary thing to think about for anyone else, let alone yourself. I'm trying not to go into hypochondriac mode and self-diagnose. On the contrary, I honestly don't think I have it. Its just when the possibility is brought up by a doctor, its a little terrifying and hard to get off the mind; especially for a worrier like me.
Not many understand how I feel. Its certainly not fun. My mind has been screwing with me lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the ocean and the waves are just pulling me under over and over again. It becomes hard to breathe. Little things will set me off into anxiety attacks. I heard the song "If I Die Young" last evening and cried thinking of all the possibilities. Other times, I feel like I'm completely overreacting and I have no right to feel this way...others have been through so much worse; maybe my being sick is all in my head. Then I wave the BS flag and re-validate my thoughts. I know how I feel and that's all that matters..... right?