Friday, September 9, 2011

Sorry about this one. *Personal Confession*

This post isn't a happy one for me. I am not going to enjoy this, but I feel the need to get it out - off my chest. I don't believe I've ever expressed these thoughts to anyone. I apologize ahead of time for the contents. You don't have to read if you dont want to...

I am not unfamiliar with loss.
It is nothing new to me. My father died when I was quite young, my grandmother and a host of other relatives have passed in my lifetime. My godson recently passed away and perhaps this is what is making this issue such a burning one for me.
I have an irrational fear of losing loved ones. It is so strong that I have found that I avoid fostering new relationships. Of course, I have my closest friends and family, but I distance myself from others for fear of forming new and meaningful friendships that I will eventually lose. I cannot go a complete day without worrying about some, if not all, of the ones I hold dear to me. It physically makes me sick. It takes such a toll.
I hide my feelings because, frankly, its a little embarrassing. I don't like to dwell on these things. I dwell on them enough when they force themselves into my thoughts daily. Hourly. Will my loved ones die before I do? Will they just stop liking me and find someone more interesting? I realize it sounds juvenille. I realize that death is part of the grand scheme and it is uncontrollable and unavoidable. I realize that the thought of my loved ones just "not liking me anymore" is far-fetched.
I've done some research for my own personal bank of knowledge and all I could find to name what I'm feeling is OCD with a side of anxiety and thanatophobia. I am afraid of what I don't have control over. Afraid of the unknown. I also realize that I should, as a Christian, hand all my worries over to God and trust Him. I try. Really, I do. I just can't seem to shake this fear that sometimes makes it hard to breathe.
One cannot tell me they are off doing something or another without hearing a "be careful" before we part. I feel like if I don't say it, I jinx them into oblivion and something awful will happen. I know that isn't the way things work, its just how I feel at the time.
Will I be able to ever get over this feeling? Can I ever give up what I can't control to God and stop literally worrying myself sick?
Who knows.
If you are still reading, thank you for your diligence. I'm so sorry for writing such a rant-y, depressing post. I just really needed to get it out. I appreciate your patience and I promise the next post will be on something nice.

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