Sorry about this one. *Personal Confession*

This post isn't a happy one for me. I am not going to enjoy this, but I feel the need to get it out - off my chest. I don't believe I've ever expressed these thoughts to anyone. I apologize ahead of time for the contents. You don't have to read if you dont want to...

I am not unfamiliar with loss.
It is nothing new to me. My father died when I was quite young, my grandmother and a host of other relatives have passed in my lifetime. My godson recently passed away and perhaps this is what is making this issue such a burning one for me.
I have an irrational fear of losing loved ones. It is so strong that I have found that I avoid fostering new relationships. Of course, I have my closest friends and family, but I distance myself from others for fear of forming new and meaningful friendships that I will eventually lose. I cannot go a complete day without worrying about some, if not all, of the ones I hold dear to me. It physically makes me sick. It takes such a toll.
I hide my feelings because, frankly, its a little embarrassing. I don't like to dwell on these things. I dwell on them enough when they force themselves into my thoughts daily. Hourly. Will my loved ones die before I do? Will they just stop liking me and find someone more interesting? I realize it sounds juvenille. I realize that death is part of the grand scheme and it is uncontrollable and unavoidable. I realize that the thought of my loved ones just "not liking me anymore" is far-fetched.
I've done some research for my own personal bank of knowledge and all I could find to name what I'm feeling is OCD with a side of anxiety and thanatophobia. I am afraid of what I don't have control over. Afraid of the unknown. I also realize that I should, as a Christian, hand all my worries over to God and trust Him. I try. Really, I do. I just can't seem to shake this fear that sometimes makes it hard to breathe.
One cannot tell me they are off doing something or another without hearing a "be careful" before we part. I feel like if I don't say it, I jinx them into oblivion and something awful will happen. I know that isn't the way things work, its just how I feel at the time.
Will I be able to ever get over this feeling? Can I ever give up what I can't control to God and stop literally worrying myself sick?
Who knows.
If you are still reading, thank you for your diligence. I'm so sorry for writing such a rant-y, depressing post. I just really needed to get it out. I appreciate your patience and I promise the next post will be on something nice.

Danger Shepherd's Pie Tutorial

I have decided to post one of my favorite recipes. It's so easy and delicious! I don't exactly follow an actual recipe - I just go with what feels right. Here goes!

First, bring a medium to large pot of salted water to a boil. Meanwhile, peel some potatoes. Four or five will be fine.

Then, chop 'em up.

Put them in the boiling water. Actually, you should probably just put them in the water, then bring it to a boil so you don't get splashed with scalding liquid, but I like to add a little bit of danger. Danger Shepherd's Pie.

Anyway, boil them for about 15 minutes or until soft.

While those danger potatoes are boiling, chop up a green onion and cook it in a pan with a little extra virgin olive oil until its clear. I was over-ambitious and mine turned a little brown. I like it that way though so its all good. :)

I really hate chopping onions. Danger onions.

When the onions are done, transfer them to a plate for later. Brown a pound of ground beef in the onion pan. I like to add garlic, salt and pepper.

Your potatoes should be done by now. While the meat is browning, drain and transfer potatoes to a large bowl and add some milk and butter and mash it up. I don't know exactly how much to add, just add a little at a time till it looks right. Set it aside for later.

When the beef is done, add back the onion, about 1/2 a cup of beef broth, 2 tbsp flour and 1 tbsp ketchup. Let that simmer for a couple of minutes then add some cooked carrots, peas and corn or whatever veggie you want! (Okay, okay. I admit, I used canned.) Mix it all up. Line the bottom of a baking dish with the beef and veggie mixture.

Then, carefully cover the top of the beef and veggie mixture with the mashed potatoes you made earlier.





Now, shred some cheese. Maybe 2 cups or so. Layer it on top of the potatoes.

Let bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes or until the cheese just starts to brown.

There you have it! Deliciousness Danger Pie.
Now what have we learned from this tutorial? That I'm just awful at tutorials.
Anyway, Enjoy!