Sorry about this one. *Personal Confession*

This post isn't a happy one for me. I am not going to enjoy this, but I feel the need to get it out - off my chest. I don't believe I've ever expressed these thoughts to anyone. I apologize ahead of time for the contents. You don't have to read if you dont want to...

I am not unfamiliar with loss.
It is nothing new to me. My father died when I was quite young, my grandmother and a host of other relatives have passed in my lifetime. My godson recently passed away and perhaps this is what is making this issue such a burning one for me.
I have an irrational fear of losing loved ones. It is so strong that I have found that I avoid fostering new relationships. Of course, I have my closest friends and family, but I distance myself from others for fear of forming new and meaningful friendships that I will eventually lose. I cannot go a complete day without worrying about some, if not all, of the ones I hold dear to me. It physically makes me sick. It takes such a toll.
I hide my feelings because, frankly, its a little embarrassing. I don't like to dwell on these things. I dwell on them enough when they force themselves into my thoughts daily. Hourly. Will my loved ones die before I do? Will they just stop liking me and find someone more interesting? I realize it sounds juvenille. I realize that death is part of the grand scheme and it is uncontrollable and unavoidable. I realize that the thought of my loved ones just "not liking me anymore" is far-fetched.
I've done some research for my own personal bank of knowledge and all I could find to name what I'm feeling is OCD with a side of anxiety and thanatophobia. I am afraid of what I don't have control over. Afraid of the unknown. I also realize that I should, as a Christian, hand all my worries over to God and trust Him. I try. Really, I do. I just can't seem to shake this fear that sometimes makes it hard to breathe.
One cannot tell me they are off doing something or another without hearing a "be careful" before we part. I feel like if I don't say it, I jinx them into oblivion and something awful will happen. I know that isn't the way things work, its just how I feel at the time.
Will I be able to ever get over this feeling? Can I ever give up what I can't control to God and stop literally worrying myself sick?
Who knows.
If you are still reading, thank you for your diligence. I'm so sorry for writing such a rant-y, depressing post. I just really needed to get it out. I appreciate your patience and I promise the next post will be on something nice.

Danger Shepherd's Pie Tutorial

I have decided to post one of my favorite recipes. It's so easy and delicious! I don't exactly follow an actual recipe - I just go with what feels right. Here goes!

First, bring a medium to large pot of salted water to a boil. Meanwhile, peel some potatoes. Four or five will be fine.

Then, chop 'em up.

Put them in the boiling water. Actually, you should probably just put them in the water, then bring it to a boil so you don't get splashed with scalding liquid, but I like to add a little bit of danger. Danger Shepherd's Pie.

Anyway, boil them for about 15 minutes or until soft.

While those danger potatoes are boiling, chop up a green onion and cook it in a pan with a little extra virgin olive oil until its clear. I was over-ambitious and mine turned a little brown. I like it that way though so its all good. :)

I really hate chopping onions. Danger onions.

When the onions are done, transfer them to a plate for later. Brown a pound of ground beef in the onion pan. I like to add garlic, salt and pepper.

Your potatoes should be done by now. While the meat is browning, drain and transfer potatoes to a large bowl and add some milk and butter and mash it up. I don't know exactly how much to add, just add a little at a time till it looks right. Set it aside for later.

When the beef is done, add back the onion, about 1/2 a cup of beef broth, 2 tbsp flour and 1 tbsp ketchup. Let that simmer for a couple of minutes then add some cooked carrots, peas and corn or whatever veggie you want! (Okay, okay. I admit, I used canned.) Mix it all up. Line the bottom of a baking dish with the beef and veggie mixture.

Then, carefully cover the top of the beef and veggie mixture with the mashed potatoes you made earlier.





Now, shred some cheese. Maybe 2 cups or so. Layer it on top of the potatoes.

Let bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes or until the cheese just starts to brown.

There you have it! Deliciousness Danger Pie.
Now what have we learned from this tutorial? That I'm just awful at tutorials.
Anyway, Enjoy!















Just for fun

An old one of Mya, just because she is SO darn cute! She reminds me of a little flower.

A flooded bathroom, unremarkable plate tectonics and a little bit of broth...

It's been a while. I know, I'm sorry.
I'm so disappointed that I didn't feel our very own natural disaster on the east coast. My first earthquake was quite boring. I didn't feel a thing. Don't call me, I'll call you.
The earthquake had nothing on Hurricane Mya. Picture it: I'm sitting in the living room, Mya (who is potty training and doing GREAT for the most part) goes to the bathroom. I hear the flush then a few seconds later:
Mya:  "Mommy!?!"
Me:    "Yes, Dear?"
Mya:   "She made a mess on the floor!?"
Me:     "Coming."
Now, I assumed maybe she had an "accident". No big deal. As I enter the hallway, I notice water gushing out of the bathroom into the hallway.
Oh dear.
I run into the bathroom flooded with water. Mya had decided to flush the ENTIRE roll of toilet paper.
I sigh as everything inside me dies a little.
After cleaning up the wreckage due to my own little natural disaster, I had a long conversation with said disaster about how much paper to use.

In other news, I made my own chicken stock from scratch yesterday. A huge pot filled to the brim, lovingly stirred every so often, simmered for about 4 hours yielded about a bowl full. I need to learn some things about cooking in bulk.

I can see that I have been rambling and I'm not sure how this is translating to anyone else, as I have taken my anxiety medicine, thus rendering me less coherent and far less capable of making a comprehensive post.

It's amazing I'm not dead yet.

I have heard from friends and family about the "Traditional Diet", so I took it upon myself to study it as much as I could from the world wide web. It is sometimes difficult to find the unbiased information one needs to make an informed decision on anything, but I think this site is the real deal. It seems to contain loads of comprehensive info based on Weston A. Price's studies.
I think I may give this a try. A relative of mine has seen tremendous benefits from this lifestyle and is even a WAPF chapter leader!
Can I break my addiction to the modern American diet? I sure hope so...

Construction

Please forgive me as I am ruining my blog's appearance one step at a time. I am trying to remodel, however html codes are utterly gibberish to me. Wish me luck!

New Stats...

Another 4 hour doctor appointment...another gallon of blood extracted from my body....
A couple of weeks later, I receive a letter in the mail stating that I have been referred to a rheumatologist. Included in the letter are instructions for me to complete the registration process with the rheumy-1 hour away. Also stated in the letter is my diagnosis:  Myositis and Myalgia
"Wtf is Myositis?," I say.
A few hours of research yields minimal results. Myositis is a rare autoimmune disease that causes severe muscle pain and deterioration. Ten in one million get this. No real known causes. No known cure.
It requires aggressive treatment almost identical to the treatment given for Lupus. Corticosteroids, immunosuppressants, physical therapy...Life span is normal, so I will live long enough to suffer through this and will most likely be in a wheelchair by the time I reach 40.
Okay, I realize I'm probably overreacting. I just need to get these thoughts out. Bear with me.
I also have Myalgia. I know people who have this who are taking 5 medications to counteract the side effects of one medicine. Similar things can be said for Myositis-I just don't know any first-hand. I can deal with the pain, but the latter affliction is actually causing me to waste away. I refuse to pump myself full of drugs if it can be avoided. I don't want to waste away...